June 9, 2014 | Posted in: Leading Hartfully, Living Hartfully

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I recently read in another Leadership blog citing a study of top leaders that found they spend up to 26% of their day doing conflict management. With that kind of time related to solving conflicts at work, it behooves us to learn more about conflict management and conflict sequences and how to resolve issues effectively.  Relationship Awareness^® is founded on the guiding principle that we are each seen as the expert on ourselves – only we know our true, authentic motives for behaving and communicating as we do. And once we discover our motives and learn about ourselves, then we have the responsibility to use that knowledge to the best of our ability for positive effort and/or change in the world in relating to others. Relationship Awareness is also built upon four simple yet profound premises:

• We all do what we do because we want to feel good about ourselves and protect our self-worth.

• We tend to take two different approaches to life:

1.  When things are going well, in our everyday life
2. ‘When we are in conflict or are challenged and stressed about something

 

• A “personal weakness” is no more or no less than the overdoing or misapplying of a personal strength and one that others do not value. We can misapply our strengths in four different ways:

Frequency – we deploy it too often or not enough

Duration – we deploy it for too long or not long enough

Intensity – we deploy it with too much power or verve, or with not enough zest or passion

Context – we deploy it in the wrong place, with the wrong person or at the wrong time or any combination of the three

 

• We naturally tend to perceive the behaviors of others through our own filter, our Motivational Value System, one that we have grown up with and reinforced by our behavior throughout our lives.

The Strength Deployment Inventory (SDI)^®  is a whole-life, dual-state, interpersonal inventory focusing on motivation when things are going well and changes in motivation in conflict situations or when we are faced with a problem or challenge to our self-worth. Some of us change our behavior dramatically when we are in conflict and we don’t seem to exhibit the same types of clustered characteristics normally associated with our Motivational Value System that we “own” when things are going well. Others exhibit very little behavior change when they are faced with opposition or conflict and their outward behavior seems to reflect the same types of characteristics that they exhibit when things are going well.

Relationship Awareness Theory addresses these differences of motivation by identifying the three stages of conflict as well as the Conflict Management Sequence that each of us goes through when faced with a challenge to our Motivational Value System. Behavior in conflict can best be understood and managed when the purpose behind it is clear. The costs of conflict are well-documented – high turnover, grievances and lawsuits, absenteeism, divorce, dysfunctional families, prejudice or fear.

There are two types of conflict: warranted conflict and unwarranted conflict:

• Warranted Conflict –  when each party wants different outcomes or desired goal (I want to go out for dinner and you want to stay home and skip dinner)
• Unwarranted Conflict – when each party wants a similar outcome, but the means or style of getting there differs (we both want to go out to dinner and I want fine dining and you want fast food)

A conflict sequence is a predictably sequential set of changes in behavior and communication styles and focus during conflict. There are three stages of conflict and our focus and communication style changes in each deepening stage. We move through the three stages when we cannot resolve the conflict in the previous stage. Each of us moved through these sequences at different rates and with a differing set of characteristics as mentioned above. Knowing another person’s conflict sequence can help you determine which stage of conflict they are in at the moment and can help you predict where they are going next, or on what they are focused. It can help save face, feelings, misunderstandings, time, effort, energy, and money or other resources. The three stages of conflict have these characteristics:

• Stage One – the focus is on me, you and the problem, and on maintaining self-worth: we speak professionally, civilly and work together to attain desired outcomes while looking at the problem and considering each other’s feelings. I may accommodate others, rise to the challenge or be prudently cautious.
• Stage Two – the focus is on me and the problem, and on preserving self-worth: you drop out of the equation and I may surrender conditionally, fight to win or pull back and analyze the situation.
• Stage Three – the focus is on me and protecting my self-worth: I may not even remember what we are fighting about or care to be respectful of you; I just want to win and save face in the process. I may surrender completely, fight for survival, or withdraw completely.

Our ability to focus diminishes in each progressive stage of conflict; we are more likely to attempt to resolve conflict at Stage One – where the parties involved are still concerned about each other. We see more clearly the costs of allowing conflict in the organization to get stuck at Stage Two – where a lack of concern for the other party generates turf battles and stifles communication. By coming to understand our own conflict sequences better, we feel more empowered to manage the conflict in our lives. Some organizations who have employed the use of the SDI in their conflict management pursuits have realized a 6841% return on investment by avoiding formal and informal grievances, saving them hundreds of thousands of dollars in direct and indirect costs.

Relationship Awareness tools help us to identify the source of our conflict and manage it more effectively – reducing unwarranted conflict and turning warranted conflict into opportunities for growth and the strengthening of relationships. These tools are unique among conflict management tools because they assess our motivational values. They get at the reasons behind conflict behaviors and show how those reasons connect to our motivational values when things are going-well.

We learn to recognize these changes in ourselves and in others – then learn what to do about it. Once we have a better understanding of ourselves and how we operate, communicate and move through the world, our self-mastery helps us become aware of how others move through their world. This ever-widening sphere of understanding helps individuals, organizations, families, teams and others communicate on a more authentic level for more successful outcomes. Relationship Awareness® is a registered trademark of Personal Strengths Publishing. For your very own personal assessment and facilitated consult to see where you stand in the conflict management spectrum, contact Gaia@GaiaHart.com.